Jokes

[Flux]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to Crystal Palace FC this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.




Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.




I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic."Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying She thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up on the fat bitch




Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.




Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people




My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep.




WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - - silence - - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit..."

[inamourada]

:D *laughs*
I especially like the last one!

[Flux]

Hehe, me too. It's cheeky ;)

[Guy13]

1.What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.?

11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?? The police.?

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the gary!

A chav walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter
and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job"
The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his?
nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black
Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the
meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays. The Salary package is Ł200,000 a year.
The chav says "You're having me on!"
The man behind the counter says "Well you started it!".

[Skylizard]

^^^^Excellent^^^^

[Flux]

LOL @ Guy...I wonder who sent you that email ;)

Shame you can't link to the Chav Calender I put on there tho eh? ;)

[Guy13]

LOL @ Guy...I wonder who sent you that email ;)

Shame you can't link to the Chav Calender I put on there tho eh? ;)

I got it from you and Mike :lol: ...can't remember which one I copied & pasted from though. The Calender is class! Tis a shame we can't link it.

[Noize_Gecko]

England beat Iraq at football last week, score 1-0, flying header, Bigley

-------------------------

The Northern Muslim society created a new building society last week.
If you don't pay your mortgage on time you get beheaded. They have named it the Bradford & bigley

-------------------------

Ken Bigleys head goes to heaven and god says "I've got good news and bad news Ken. The good news is we've found you another body." "Great!"
says Ken. "What's the bad news?". "It's Christopher Reeves".

[Rivetmike]

Three women had a very late night out drinking. They went their Separate ways in the early morning hours and went home. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was more drunk the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes." The second said, "You think that was drunker? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."





A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he
runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and
guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the
girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck,
then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an
escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
he told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept
any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Rivetmike

[Guy13]

Oh...I wonder were I just saw these? :roll: :lol: :wink:

[DISSMANTLED]

omg there so funny, i hurt my back yesterday and just destroyed it laughing at those jokes, well done! :cry: :lol:

[DISSMANTLED]

winning a computer game is a lot like winning the special olympics

even if you win your a retard!

[DISSMANTLED]

last post wasnt from me, just my adress, ok!? someone else sent it!

[Guy13]

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

:twisted:

[StraightSilver]

Q. What's black and blue and hates sex ?

A. A little boy in the back of a van.

[Voodoobutter]

George Bush just got 4 more years.

[SquallLoire]

There were three people on an airplane. One was Thomas Jefferson. One was George Bush. And the last was Bill Clinton.
They opened up the airplane door and Thomas Jefferson threw out a 100 dollar bill and said "I just saved a family!" George Bush looked at Jefferson and then threw out 2 100 dollar bills. He then said, "I just saved TWO families!"
Bill Clinton looked at Thomas Jefferson then at George. He sighed and pushed George Bush off the plane and said "I just saved the world!"

[Voodoobutter]

Good one. Ok here's one that'll crease you up.

A man walks into a pub and asks for coffee. The barman says we don't serve coffee. The man says if you dont give me coffee I'll kill myself. The barman says but this is a pub, we don't serve coffee. The man shoots himself dead where he stands.

The barman feels so guilty he shoots himself, too.

Hahahahahahahahaha. I just made that up.

[Flux]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."