View Full Version : And now for something completely different!
Guy13
29-07-2004, 06:06 PM
And "Hey Presto!"
:lol:
Guy13
29-07-2004, 06:15 PM
*slaps Guy with fish*
;)
You are sooo kind
*tries to sell flux cheesy comestibles*
*slaps Guy with fish*
;)
What fish? ... This fish? ... Where is the fish? ...
I wonder where that fish has gone.
You did love it so. You looked after it like a son.
And it went wherever I did go.
Is it in the cupboard?
Yes! Yes! No!...
Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau?!
Shh!
It is a most elusive fish!
And it went wherever I did go.
Ooooh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish!
A-fish, a-fish, a-fish, a-fishy, ooooh.
Ooooh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish!
That went wherever I did go.
Look up his trunk!
Yeah, it's hidden in his trousers!
Sorry, had to!!
...And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God. O Lord,...
O Lord,...
...ooh, You are so big,...
...so absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
And barefaced flattery.
But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
Amen.
Skylizard
29-07-2004, 07:20 PM
...And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God. O Lord,...
O Lord,...
...ooh, You are so big,...
...so absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
And barefaced flattery.
But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
Amen.
Your place in heaven is booked
You know, one day, my-- my mother, she put me on her knee and she said to me, 'Gaston, my son, the world is a beautiful place. You must go into it and... love everyone, try to make everyone happy, and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go,' and so, I became a waiter.
Well, it's-- it's not much of a philosophy, I know,... but, well,... fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. Fuck off.
Don't come following me!
Guy13
30-07-2004, 12:16 PM
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR:
Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD:
Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR:
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD:
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR:
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD:
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR:
What?
GALAHAD:
He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR:
Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD:
Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS:
[chuckling]
ARTHUR:
Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD:
Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR:
Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD:
I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
GALAHAD:
What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD:
Mind your own business!
ARTHUR:
If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD:
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD:
What a strange person.
ARTHUR:
Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD:
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD:
No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
ARTHUR:
Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD:
(Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD:
Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD:
(Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
ARTHUR:
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS:
Christ!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
ARTHUR:
Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS:
Charge!
[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD:
Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD:
And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR:
Run away!
KNIGHTS:
Run away!
FRENCH GUARD:
Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS:
[taunting]
LAUNCELOT:
Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR:
No, no. No, no.
BEDEVERE:
Sir! I have a plan, sir.
Crash_Dark
30-07-2004, 12:17 PM
SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS, STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Oh, I'm sorry, this is 'Abuse'....you want room 12A, next door...
*In French accent*: "You filthy English Kenigat ... I fart in your general direction!!"
Crash_Dark
30-07-2004, 12:28 PM
I'm 37, I'm not old!
:D
I'm 37, I'm not old!
:D
I didn't say you were old!
I simply said that your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!
Crash_Dark
30-07-2004, 01:38 PM
Heh, I have a swear-word phrase-book at home that translates that into about four handy languages...
Anyway, you could have just said 'Dennis'....
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 01:40 PM
May the fleas of a 1000 camels in fest your arm pits
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
May the fleas of a 1000 camels in fest your arm pits
Are the fleas of all these camels going to Infest? :lol:
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 02:13 PM
May the fleas of a 1000 camels in fest your arm pits
Are the fleas of all these camels going to Infest? :lol:
If RivetMikes going, then yes :wink: :wink: :wink:
Just remember ...
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your time,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here in Slime!
Guy13
30-07-2004, 03:50 PM
And
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then
there are those that follow Mohammed -but-
I've never been one of them.
I am a Roman Catholic
and have been since before I was born,
and the one thing they say about Catholics is
they'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on, you're
a Catholic the moment dad came
...Because...
Every sperm is sacred,
every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate. (2x)
Let the heathens spill theirs,
on the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
each sperm that can't be found.
Every sperm is wanted,
every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed,
in your neighborhood.
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
spill theirs just anywhere
but God loves those who treat their
semen with more care.
(misc choruses)
Every sperm is useful,
every sperm is fine.
God needs everybodies,
mine, and mine, and mine.
Let the pagans spill theirs
on mountain hill and plain.
God shall strike them down for
each sperm that's spilled in vain.
(misc. choruses and finale)
Guy13
30-07-2004, 03:54 PM
Or
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little
number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. [Sings]
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 04:40 PM
May the fleas of a 1000 camels in fest your arm pits
Are the fleas of all these camels going to Infest? :lol:
If RivetMikes going, then yes :wink: :wink: :wink:
Ooooo you bitch,get her ;)
Rivetmike
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:03 PM
Faster, Dr Jellyfinger! Kill kill.
:lol:
Faster, Dr Jellyfinger!
:lol:
*shudders at thought of what could be going on!*
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:09 PM
Faster, Dr Jellyfinger!
:lol:
Careful,that's how friction burns occur.
Rivetmike
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:10 PM
Faster, Dr Jellyfinger!
:lol:
Careful,that's how friction burns occur.
Rivetmike
You love it, you bitch! :wink: :lol:
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 05:13 PM
Faster, Dr Jellyfinger!
:lol:
Careful,that's how friction burns occur.
Rivetmike
You love it, you bitch! :wink: :lol:
Who you calling bitch, bitch :lol:
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:17 PM
You love it, you bitch! :wink: :lol:
Who you calling bitch, bitch :lol:
Why? What you gonna do? :lol: :lol: :wink:
*bends over ready for spanking*
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 05:18 PM
You love it, you bitch! :wink: :lol:
Who you calling bitch, bitch :lol:
Why? What you gonna do? :lol: :lol: :wink:
*bends over ready for spanking*
OI Jellyfinger.....fetch 8O
I wanted a comical Jellyfinger picture so I searched for Jelly Finger & Jellyfinger...here's what I got
Jelly Finger (http://www.foundationtv.co.uk/f-tips/party_underw_food_3.jpg)
Jellyfinger - not ENTIRELY work safe! But a lot more like it! ;) (http://www.benwa.com/images/1835PJ.jpg)
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:21 PM
I'm not getting involved,I only deal with those needing serious "correction".
This is more suited to the playground ;)
Rivetmike
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:22 PM
Jellyfinger - not ENTIRELY work safe! But a lot more like it! ;) (http://www.benwa.com/images/1835PJ.jpg)
Nice.......what's it do?
Rivetmike
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:25 PM
I'm not getting involved,I only deal with those needing serious "correction".
This is more suited to the playground ;)
Rivetmike
Oh yeah? Define "those needing serious 'correction'". :lol:
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:27 PM
I'll plead the fifth here I think.
Rivetmike
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:29 PM
I'll plead the fifth here I think.
Rivetmike
Ha! You're not American, you can't! Everything you say will be used in evidence against you. :wink: :lol:
Jellyfinger - not ENTIRELY work safe! But a lot more like it! ;) (http://www.benwa.com/images/1835PJ.jpg)
Nice.......what's it do?
It makes a bzzzzzzzing sound, and apparently touches boobs (according to the piccy)
You should keep abreast of this technology Dr ;)
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:32 PM
*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:32 PM
Surely the breasts is not the recommended postion for optimum pleasure?
Or is it a case that any other picture may be deemed unsuitable?
Rivetmike
Pah, stuff it up yer arse Mike! :lol:
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:40 PM
As long as it doesn't run on mains power ;)
Rivetmike
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 05:41 PM
As long as it doesn't run on mains power ;)
Rivetmike
Only battery operated appliances for you then Mike?
Guy13
30-07-2004, 05:44 PM
As long as it doesn't run on mains power ;)
Rivetmike
Only battery operated appliances for you then Mike?
No, connected to the local sub-station ;-)
Flidcania
30-07-2004, 05:46 PM
wouldnt it be nice if it could tune into radio stations as weel, or would that be classed as being tacky??? :D
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:47 PM
As long as it doesn't run on mains power ;)
Rivetmike
Only battery operated appliances for you then Mike?
I knew I'd regret that quip and funnily enough I thought it would be you who made me regret it ;)
Rivetmike
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:48 PM
wouldnt it be nice if it could tune into radio stations as weel, or would that be classed as being tacky??? :D
....or if it played Sex Machine by James Brown on loop ;)
Rivetmike
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 05:50 PM
wouldnt it be nice if it could tune into radio stations as weel, or would that be classed as being tacky??? :D
....or if it played Sex Machine by James Brown on loop ;)
Rivetmike
Or Mikes personal favourite " Do ya think i'm sexy" by Rod Stewart
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 05:51 PM
As long as it doesn't run on mains power ;)
Rivetmike
Only battery operated appliances for you then Mike?
I knew I'd regret that quip and funnily enough I thought it would be you who made me regret it ;)
Rivetmike
Strange that hey!!!!! :lol:
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 05:54 PM
wouldnt it be nice if it could tune into radio stations as weel, or would that be classed as being tacky??? :D
....or if it played Sex Machine by James Brown on loop ;)
Rivetmike
Or Mikes personal favourite " Do ya think i'm sexy" by Rod Stewart
Wouldn't "Touch Myself" by Divinyls be more apt?
Rivetmike
wouldnt it be nice if it could tune into radio stations as weel, or would that be classed as being tacky??? :D
....or if it played Sex Machine by James Brown on loop ;)
Rivetmike
Or Mikes personal favourite " Do ya think i'm sexy" by Rod Stewart
Rod Stewart? ... the RevCo version's much better & equally tacky too!!
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 06:02 PM
wouldnt it be nice if it could tune into radio stations as weel, or would that be classed as being tacky??? :D
....or if it played Sex Machine by James Brown on loop ;)
Rivetmike
Or Mikes personal favourite " Do ya think i'm sexy" by Rod Stewart
Rod Stewart? ... the RevCo version's much better & equally tacky too!!
How can you put Revco and RS in the same line????
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 06:03 PM
Incidentally RevCo are meant to be reforming with an all new lineup for some American shows later this year.
w00t indeed :)
Rivetmike
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 06:14 PM
Incidentally RevCo are meant to be reforming with an all new lineup for some American shows later this year.
w00t indeed :)
Rivetmike
I wonder what the chances are of them maybe coming here........ about zero more than likely
Rivetmike
30-07-2004, 06:18 PM
I should imagine the same,which is a fucker.
Ministry are playing over here again before the year is out so I hear though.The shitty thing is is that they are touring US now/soon with Thrill Kill Kult and you can bet that TKK do not make it over here :(.
Rivetmike
Skylizard
30-07-2004, 06:19 PM
I should imagine the same,which is a fucker.
Ministry are playing over here again before the year is out so I hear though.The shitty thing is is that they are touring US now/soon with Thrill Kill Kult and you can bet that TKK do not make it over here :(.
Rivetmike
FUCKERS
And the Lord spake, saying: 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Amen.
Guy13
03-08-2004, 06:10 PM
Ah, at last. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. :D
Crash_Dark
04-08-2004, 10:48 AM
O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.
People of Jewusalem!
Wome is your fwiend.
To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer fwom our pwisons.
Whom would you have me welease?
Crash_Dark
06-08-2004, 06:10 PM
People of Jewusalem!
Wome is your fwiend.
To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer fwom our pwisons.
Whom would you have me welease?
Welease Wodger!
Vewy well. I shall welease Woger!
Ah. We have no 'Woger'!
Crash_Dark
06-08-2004, 06:20 PM
Vewy well. I shall welease Woger!
Ah. We have no 'Woger'!
Welease Woderwick!!!
Centuwion, why do they titter so?
Are they... wagging me?
Vewy well. I shall welease... Wodewick!
No 'Woger'? No 'Wodewick'?
Who is this 'Wod'--
Who is the 'Wodewick' to whom you wefer?
Crash_Dark
06-08-2004, 06:30 PM
Centuwion, why do they titter so?
Are they... wagging me?
Vewy well. I shall welease... Wodewick!
No 'Woger'? No 'Wodewick'?
Who is this 'Wod'--
Who is the 'Wodewick' to whom you wefer?
He's a wobber!
(Yeah!)
...and a wapist!
(Yeah!)
...and a pick-pocket!
(yeh!...huh?...nah! nahhhhhh!)
Thitizens! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus...
...the Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, and...
...Wath it thomething I thaid?
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